


Vanilla Twilight

by voyagerthirteen



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Based on an Owl City Song, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Character Death, Closure, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Growing Old Together, M/M, Old Age, Old Married Couple, Sad, Wakes & Funerals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:02:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25593220
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voyagerthirteen/pseuds/voyagerthirteen
Summary: As time goes on, so must Sam.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Sam Wilson
Comments: 22
Kudos: 45





	Vanilla Twilight

**Author's Note:**

> Y'all I cried writing this. I'd have to stop, dry my eyes, and keep going. This was inspired by Siancore's fic, How Did It Get Late So Soon? 
> 
> A great writer that I highly recommend.
> 
> The song is called Vanilla Twilight by Owl City, it's a good song.

> The stars lean down to kiss you  
> And I lie awake and miss you  
> Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere  
> 'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly  
> But I'll miss your arms around me  
> I'd send a postcard to you, dear  
> 'Cause I wish you were here
> 
> -owl city

Bucky had never been a fan of funerals, too many times had he been the one to cause the death, too many times did he lay awake, reliving the moment when he became the reaper of life. Taking and taking, watching as life fled from fearful eyes. Too many times had he felt the thrashing of a soul wanting to live, too many times had he heard the beating of a heart slow to a stop. Too many times had he heard the last intake of air.

It was the same with Sam, except Bucky wasn’t the one to kill him. It was simply old age, it was nothing more than Sam’s time running up. 

Bucky had smiled at Sam, his tears yet to fall. Sam smiled back, “Hey now… don’t go crying for little old me.” Bucky could hear the way Sam’s heartbeat picked up, like he was out of breath. “Don’t cry baby,” Sam had said, lifting his hand, albeit shaky, to cups Bucky’s cheek. Bucky held his hand there, tried to convey everything he was feeling into this little moment.

“I have to go soon…” 

Bucky could feel his heart breaking, could feel the tears streaming down his cheeks. “I know, doll, I know. Just stay with me a little longer?” Sam smiled and nodded, _anything for you Buck_. The room stayed quiet, save Sam’s heart monitor, save their breathing. “I’m sorry I didn’t get to grow old with you.” Bucky finally spoke, his voice was quiet, like if he spoke any louder he’d sob harder. Sam only shook his head, used the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears, and smiled. “You grew old, just not my old, you’re sporting some grey hairs don’t think I didn’t notice.” Sam’s smile grows when Bucky lets out a wet laugh.

Sam blinks, his smile falters, just a little. Bucky can hear his heart… he can hear his heart.

“You have to go, don’t you?”

“I’m afraid I do.”

Bucky closes his eyes, squeezes Sam’s hand, he can just make out Sam doing the same. Bucky whispers out, “I love you.” 

Sam smiles again, he doesn’t say anything, but Bucky knows… _I love you, too._

Then, at 7:59, Sam takes his last breath. Then, at 7:59, Samuel Wilson Barnes dies at eighty-three. Samuel Wilson Barnes dies with a smile on his face, dies knowing that Bucky loved him just as much he loved him.

Bucky falls quiet, turns off the heart monitor, and just stares. Sam, just as beautiful as the day is long. Sam, just as stubborn as the night is peaceful. Sam… his Sam. His baby. His doll. His anchor. _His Sam._

Bucky cries, kisses each of Sam’s fingers, kisses his knuckles, kisses the back of his hand, then his palm. It always ends like this, Bucky alive and someone dead. It always ends like this.

The funeral doesn’t register in Bucky’s head until the wake, until he’s standing above Sam’s casket, looking down at him. Nothing about this Sam looks like his Sam. His Sam was all smiles, bright chocolate eyes, beautiful dark skin, beauty in every way. Bucky’s Sam was _alive._ Bucky just… exists at that moment, he goes to take a seat next to Clint, he’s just as old as Sam. He lays a hand on Bucky’s knee and squeezes, gives him a small, apologetic, smile when their eyes meet.

Bucky just continues to exist.

He sits there, still not fully grasping the situation, not even when the casket is closed. _I’ll never see him again._ Bucky thinks. He never will see Sam again. Bucky just looks at the casket, even after its closed, he can’t pick and hold onto a single thought. His mind is too fast, his reactions are too slow.

Bucky listens as everyone files out of the church, listens as the silence finally settles in. He would have stayed there but the hand placed firmly on his shoulder startles him out of his daze. Its Peter. He’s old too. Not as old as Clint, but still old. “C’mon Mister Barnes, its time to go,” Peter says, quietly, so quiet that only a super solider could hear. Bucky stays seated for a beat longer before standing, he walks up to the casket, stays quiet for a long time. 

He can hear Peter’s breathing, guess the kid (he’s not a kid anymore) doesn’t have plans on leaving without him.

“I’ll see you around, Sammy.” 

Bucky presses a kiss to the top of the casket, lets his lips linger, just for a moment. When he pulls away, he wipes at his tears and joins Peter by the pew he’s standing by. “Ready?” He asks, holding out his hand as a silent offer. Bucky nods, knows that if he doesn’t leave now he’ll never leave. He takes Peter’s hand. Flesh in flesh. “Yeah… yeah, I’m ready.” They walk to the door, Harley, Peter’s husband, and Morgan wait for them. 

They’ve all gotten so old. 

Bucky is _just_ starting to get grey hair. 

Morgan and Harley give small smiles, Morgan wraps Bucky in a hug. Bucky holds her close, remembers just how torn up she was after Pepper died, remembers how she stayed at his and Sam’s home for a while. “C’mon Buck, let’s get you home,” Morgan says when the hug is broken. 

When he enters, nothing feels right, he can’t look at the couch without seeing Sam there, passed out while _Golden Girls_ quietly plays in the background. He can’t look into the kitchen without hearing Sam humming while he bakes. Bucky takes his time walking to their- his- room, looks at all the framed pictures that decorate the walls. 

He stops in front of one, it’s their wedding day picture. Sam had _begged_ Bucky to wear white with him so that they would match. Then finally, after nights of persuasion, Bucky caved in. Sam was _so happy._ They looked so nice in the picture too. Bucky remembers Morgan and Nathaniel being the flower girl and boy. Bucky remembers Peter’s allergies flaring up, he was sneezing the entire time.

_“Parker! Are you gonna keep sneezing the entire time?” Sam asked, smile wide. Peter only sneezed back. “You know what Wilson? Just because you said something, Imma keep doing-.” it was a sneeze that cut Peter off. Bucky had never laughed so hard._

“You looked beautiful, Sammy, you always look beautiful.”

Bucky sighs, he’s never felt so alone. 

Finally, Bucky wonders into his- their- room. He’s doesn’t know how to feel, doesn’t know how to act. He sinks to his knees, presses his back to the door’s frame and sobs. 

Bucky closes the door after he’s calmed down, Bucky doesn’t go near it. He sleeps on the couch… he _tries_ to sleep. He doesn’t. He can’t. The couch is uncomfortable, but Bucky doesn’t think he’ll be able to sleep in the room. Not without Sam in his arms, not without hearing Sam’s heartbeat play on a loop while the younger man sleeps. Bucky doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to step foot in that room again.

It’s almost three, Bucky hasn’t left the couch, not even when his stomach demands food, not even when his throat becomes dry. Bucky looks at his hands, the spaces between his fingers were where Sam’s fit perfectly. 

The couch is where Sam fit perfectly, the kitchen, the room, the _house._ Everything about Sam. Bucky wonders where Sam is now, wonders if his husband is smiling down at him, begging him to smile. Bucky likes to think that if there’s a heaven, Steve and Sam and Tony and Pepper and Nat are all up there. Bucky likes to think that all the people that have died by his hand are there too. 

But most of all, Bucky likes to think Sam is there. Maybe he is. Maybe Sam is telling Bucky to stop crying over him, telling Bucky that if he sheds one more tear he’ll crawl out of his grave just to beat him up. And Bucky laughs because that is something Sam would say.

The rest of the night goes on quietly, save the chirping of the crickets, the hum of the fridge. Soon enough the chirping of birds sounds off, Bucky can hear the Pattersons herding their kids into the car because they’re already behind schedule. 

There’s a knock at the door, Bucky can tell that it’s Morgan, just by the sound of her heartbeat. They have to bury Sam today.

Morgan smiles sadly when she sees Bucky, but understands, Pepper wouldn’t step foot in her and Tony’s room after he died. Morgan understands. She grabs a change of clothes and tells Bucky to take a shower. He listens, knows that Morgan would destroy him if he didn’t.

The drive to the burial site is quiet, Morgan has gotten so old. Everyone seems to be aging in front of Bucky’s eyes.

Its just Bucky and Morgan. At least he gets to see Sam one last time.

No one says anything, not while the casket is being lowered, not even after. Sam is buried by his mother, he would have wanted that. There’s a spot, right next to Sam’s, Bucky’s gonna get buried there. When he finally _fucking_ dies that is. 

When he finally dies. 

Morgan wraps him in another hug, Bucky holds her close. “It’ll be okay, Bucky, you know that… right?” her voice is wobbly, like she might cry too. Bucky nods, presses a kiss to the crown of her head.

“I know… I know.” 

Bucky can’t see it, but maybe he can feel it, the coolness around his shoulders. Like he’s being hugged. Like Sam is holding him. Before they leave, Bucky smiles and wipes at his eyes. “I love you, Sammy, never forget that.” 

“I’ll love you for infinity.”

The wind picks up, Bucky’s smile grows. Its almost as if Sam is saying _I love you, too._

> And I'll forget the world that I knew  
> But I swear I won't forget you  
> Oh if my voice could reach back through the past  
> I'd whisper in your ear,  
> "Oh darling I wish you were here"
> 
> -owl city

**Author's Note:**

> If you're not crying that either means you're heartless or I'm a whiny baby. Probably the latter if I'm being honest. I feed off of kudos and comments so,,, ya know,,, feed me.


End file.
